Categories
Writing

Cars With Sadness in Their Eyes

Yeah, so cars, and other vehicles, with eyes, thoughts, the lingering possibility of death haunting them, no real explanation of whether they are alive and have souls and no way to touch each other or feel real warmth and friendship. Do they have brains? We don’t know. Do they have souls? They do not. And that knowledge is tearing them apart. There is only this. An awareness trapped inside an obsolete machine – with a finite time before they hit the junkyard and are dead forever.

A comedy. BBC 2, Thursday, 9.30pm

Categories
Writing

Cosmic Limpness – Public Preview

I’ve been making this nutty book for ages. And if I think it’s nutty compared to my other nutty work then it’s truly nuts. What do you think? I’m gonna publish it on real life paper soon but you can tell me what you think now… You can read the pdf by clicking here

Categories
Writing

New Book of Poetry – Wide Awake At Midnight

“Like a pair of eggs on a white dog’s leg”

Look in the shop – clip clop!

 

Categories
Writing

My Collaboration with Jean Paul Sartre

Just before Christmas 2011, I was contacted by dead French Existential philosopher Jean Paul Sartre. I was a little surprised. He was dead. But despite this he was keen to work. I suggested marrying his ability as a quote writer with my illustration skills and try to sell the designs to Hallmark or Clintons or something. He was pretty desperate for cash (his descendants had inherited everything he had), so he said yes. It didn’t go that well. I’m a pretty happy-go-lucky sort of fellow; always chipper, but Jean-Paul was a bit of a gloom merchant if I’m honest. I don’t think he’s really a Christmas person. Anyway, we’ve had a bit of a falling out now, so we won’t be continuing with the project. I thought I would show the cards we made here anyway – just in case you, or any of your family members works in the senior management of a greetings card firm.

 

 

Categories
Writing

LIVE Illustrating – The Copenhagen Marathon

 

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09:18am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon today from all around the city. Here at the start line the competants are vaselining their netherlands, drinking potions and dropping their E’s for the big one. I’ll also be on LSD for the INTENSITY. Starting in 12 minutes! #cphmarathon

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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09:25am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon NOW! There’s a real feeling of pageantry and pompiness as the runners check out each others costumes and millinery. A lot of humans in the sea of faces today, but I can see a few bird entrants flying for victory, and some dogs. I think cars have been banned this year though. A note about drugs in sport: seems like a clean start so far. All the drugs are certified clean. Bon chance to all the racers! #LSD #cphmarathon #copenhagenmarathon #drugs

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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09:30am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: AND THEY ARE ALL RUNNING! It seems like there was a loud noise or something which has caused people to scatter! I hope it’s just a car backfiring. Apparently it’s the official starting procedure I’ve just been told. #lsd #cphmarathon #copenhagenmarathon

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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09:35am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING from the Copenhagen Marathon! There’s some real physical specimens and speciwomens today. It’s a big horny scene. I have heard that there will be a giant sex party around mile 15, so look out for that. I’m having a pint of energy drink and getting my easel ready for transport by motorbike/sidecar to the mile 3 marker. They estimate that by that point most of the contestants will have had their first hallucination, and some will have attacked a spectator out of sheer high spirits. #sweatylycra #cphmarathon #copenhagenmarathon #lsd #doping #kneesurgery #whimsy

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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09:40am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: On the back of a motorbike nearly at Mile 3, and almost caught the front runners. No fatalities yet, but one of the leaders was temporarily blinded by static electricity and is recovering undersea. Just spoke to a contestant who has overcome a full body transplant and being clinically irrelevant to compete here today. He was wearing the psyche of a cat. #nomoredrugsinsport #cphmarathon #copenhagenmarathon

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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09:50am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Course Marshalls have just tasered a contestant who was selling frogs and toads from a velvet cape lined with hidden pockets. When caught he dissolved into a pile of glitter and whey. #theresalwaysone #badapple #cphmarathon #lsd #oakley #nike

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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10:00am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Now at the magic mushroom rest area at mile 9. It is a feature of modern marathoning that many of the top runners like to nap and get super-chill around the 9 mile zone. Sleep is a big part of the training regime too with some of the top people sleeping for a solid 3 to 5 weeks before race day. #magicmushrooms #cocacola #cphmarathon #lsd

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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10:10am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Contestant Interview: Runner Minchy Minchingtons (running under an alias) Me: “what made you want to run marathons?” M.M.: “…the shoes, the free drinks, the glamour, the randomly assigned numbers… It was all those for sure. But most of all I did it because an evil wizard has my wife trapped in an energy vortex…” Me: “…thanks Mr Minchington” #cphmarathon #evilwizard #energyvortex

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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10:25am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Mile 12: Apparently not everyone can be a winner today, but for everyone else, the experience of taking part is reward enough. #losers Also, the rules of the contest have been adapted since last year’s fiasco involving cell division and parthenogenesis that resulted in a giant amoeba who wasn’t even born at the start ending up winning 14,548,655 times. #amoeba #reebok #cphmarathon #somanymedals

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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10:35am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Mile 12. The leaders are coming through now, including last year’s championship winner; a flight of stairs wearing a witches hat. I have to say I’m feeling a little strange. My easel has run away too. #LSD #drugsinsport

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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10:55am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: At Feed Station 18 – Chaos and Bachanallian delights here as contestants for the elusive crown swarm like summer ants over the warmed sherry cobblers, locust trifles, angelica liver slices and hair gravy cuplets. Some runners will just cool off with a damp branch of elderflower or by being shook at by one of the dogs of the wet sheepdog water shakey display team. Others will smear the ice cold butterfly paste into their failing eyes as they prepare the hit the famous wall at mile 20. A small portion of mescaline folded up in a cigarette paper is available from all good newsagents on the course.

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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11:03am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Science in Sport. It is commonplace these days for contestants for marathon glory to closely measure their body rhythms as part of their training process. Runners routinely wear devices to measure their heartbeats, fart volume, eyeblinks, lies, excuses, coffee breath, sports equipment concealments, liver engorgement, penis tumescence, galvinic skin response and hopelessness. #sexlifeofasportsaddict #cphmarathon #viagrafalls #nike

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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11:04am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Money In Sport: It’s an accepted fact that many of today’s race winners will not actually have run the race, but instead will have purchased ‘indulgences’ from the self-styled ‘Pope’ of marathon Mr Populous Marathos. For €100 you can take part and run under 3 hours, and the sky is the limit with last years victory going to HSBC Bank for a humungous bung of ¥6,745,052,747,743 Japanese Yen. To the victor the spoils! #cphmarathon #Nike #drugsinsport #LSD

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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11:09am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Not everyone can be a winner, and some contestants who have let anger get the better of them, hit ‘The Wall’ or sanded off their own limbs with highly abrasive hair sports shirts will have to walk or even be pulled on a rope to the finish line which every year is positioned by the casualty department of Copenhagen’s famous Marathon (and other mass participation sports events) Hospital. I had a go on one of their DIY defibrillators and repeatedly died, saw the light, and self-revived. It was a real gas! #sawthelight #hellogod #cphmarathon #LSD #defibrillator

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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11:09am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon. The end is in sight for the fast players, here at mile 21. Some are dancing an energizing jig on a huge mound of tiny paper fez hats, others shout obscenities at babies or cough up Lego bricks into the eyes of a blue parrot on a watchtower. Snipers eliminate contestants wearing shoes from non-sponsor companies as the organizers lawyers offer spot cash to grieving families. #thelawoftheurbanlawyer #cphmarathon #drugsinsport

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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11:29am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: In the organizers helicopter floating in a haze of aviation gasoline and orgone energy 500 metres above the last push to the finish. The pilot and I have just finished a bottle of liquid psylocibin and are both smoking cigars as we look down on the fast finishers. From this height everyone appears totally naked and covered in a shimmering rainbow. We are floating higher and higher now, away from the earth. #helicopterondrugs #LSD #cphmarathon

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton


 

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11:41am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon. Parachuting down to the finishing line, just in time to see one of the combatants break the crystal ribbon separating the racecourse from the ritual sacrifice and funeral pyre arena reserved for the winner. Within minutes they will be euthanized, roasted, portioned and served on chiffon handkerchiefs to the burgermeisters of this brave hamlet we call Copenhagen. Thank you all, and thanks to the contestants, the general pestilent, the cats, dogs, birds and clouds of Copenhagen, and the wider area. We have our winner! Let us rejoice! Rejoice all! #thewinner #cphmarathon #LSD #drugsinsport

follow Jody Barton on Instagram – @mrjodybarton

 

Categories
Writing

Self Servicing

In a medium sized city somewhere in the frictionless Western World, a group of youngish people play empty games in the kindergarten of ambition and heartbreak.

You can download the complete script here: PDF Download (zip).

It’s written in 9 short episodes, designed to be very cheap to film. The dialogue is almost impossible to speak, and is written to be as un-natural as possible. I just want to be Hal Hartley really.

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INT. CAFE, DAY

MARK & STEVE sit in the window facing the street. They both have coffees and sandwiches in front of them.

MARK
The coffee here is really good. It’s made from coffee beans, many many coffee beans.

A DOG sits on the pavement outside, wagging its tail.

STEVE
That dog outside, descended from the wolf, is now a breathless monster bred, to flatter those bereft of beauty.

MARK
The beginning of all subjugation is desire. Without the human urge to mold the natural, the planet would be alien and godless. It’s cold in here today.

STEVE
I can’t feel it, I’m wearing my silk long-johns. They’re really soft, I got them in New York.

MARK
I had some of those, but they got lost when I was trekking in Nepal. I think the porters stole them. Those guys live on, like, pennies a day.

STEVE
All coins are a prison with our leering gaolers visage stamped upon them. Their cold eyes spy on pleasures sought.

MARK
Namaste, my friend, to that.

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Categories
Writing

Put Students to Work on the Railway

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Great Britain is in the process of building a high speed rail network. It should cut journey times for the great hard-working British public in half. This is a huge capital project and will take many years, and one of the main expenses of the project, apart from the vast quantities of materials, is human toil. And there is the problem. Todays Britain is full of feckless, softheaded, workshy fops who dream of nothing more than to be successful commercial artists who draw cute dogs and open webshops of their twee little ironic teatowels. It wasn’t always like this. Once upon a time British illustration had a backbone. It had bite, class and pathos. No illustrator personified those qualities more than Ronald Searle. In fact Searle is arguably the greatest British illustrator of the 20th century. His illustration in such books as the ‘St. Trinians’ and ‘Molesworth’ series written by Geoffrey Willans is beyond comparison. A sharp satirist and man of great humour, Ronald Searle’s dark wit was honed as he was enslaved on the horrific Siam-Burma Railway as a Japanese prisoner of war in WWII.

He barely survived this ordeal – and many of his friends were not so lucky. He used his drawing skills to help him survive in the P.O.W. camp, trading his drawings for cigarettes and food with his captors.

Instead of educating illustrators in art college and leaving them with huge debts, why not instead put them to work on the HS2 high-speed railway? They could be clapped in chains, given a pencil stub and toilet paper to draw on as they dig embankments with a teaspoon and eat instant noodles from a hubcap. And at the end we’d have a high-speed railway that will make the French seethe with jealousy, plus a crack team of satirical illustrators to make Britain proud again.