09:18am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon today from all around the city. Here at the start line the competants are vaselining their netherlands, drinking potions and dropping their E’s for the big one. I’ll also be on LSD for the INTENSITY. Starting in 12 minutes! #cphmarathon
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09:25am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon NOW! There’s a real feeling of pageantry and pompiness as the runners check out each others costumes and millinery. A lot of humans in the sea of faces today, but I can see a few bird entrants flying for victory, and some dogs. I think cars have been banned this year though. A note about drugs in sport: seems like a clean start so far. I saw a guy with a syringe at Central Station this morning, but he has been disqualified. Bon chance to all the racers! #LSD #cphmarathon #copenhagenmarathon #drugs
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09:30am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: AND THEY ARE ALL RUNNING! It seems like there was a loud noise or something which has caused people to scatter! I hope it’s just a car backfiring. Apparently it’s the official starting procedure I’ve just been told. #lsd #cphmarathon #copenhagenmarathon
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09:35am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING from the Copenhagen Marathon! There’s some real physical specimens and speciwomens today. It’s a big horny scene. I have heard that there will be a giant sex party around mile 15, so look out for that. I’m having a pint of energy drink and getting my easel ready for transport by motorbike/sidecar to the mile 3 marker. They estimate that by that point most of the contestants will have had their first hallucination, and some will have attacked a spectator out of sheer high spirits. #sweatylycra #cphmarathon #copenhagenmarathon #lsd #doping #kneesurgery #whimsy
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09:40am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: On the back of a motorbike nearly at Mile 3, and almost caught the front runners. No fatalities yet, but one of the leaders was temporarily blinded by static electricity and is recovering undersea. Just spoke to a contestant who has overcome a full body transplant and being clinically irrelevant to compete here today. He was wearing the body of a cat. #nomoredrugsinsport #cphmarathon #copenhagenmarathon
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09:50am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Course Marshalls have just tasered a contestant who was selling frogs and toads from a velvet cape lined with hidden pockets. When caught he dissolved into a pile of glitter and whey. #theresalwaysone #badapple #cphmarathon #lsd #oakley #nike
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10:00am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Now at the magic mushroom rest area at mile 9. It is a feature of modern marathoning that many of the top runners like to nap and get super-chill around the 9 mile zone. Sleep is a big part of the training regime too with some of the top people sleeping for a solid 3 to 5 weeks before race day. #magicmushrooms #cocacola #cphmarathon #lsd
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10:10am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Contestant Interview: Runner Minchy Minchingtons (running under an alias) Me: “what made you want to run marathons?” M.M.: “…the shoes, the free drinks, the glamour, the randomly assigned numbers… It was all those for sure. But most of all I did it because an evil wizard has my wife trapped in an energy vortex…” Me: “…thanks Mr Minchington” #cphmarathon #evilwizard #energyvortex
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10:25am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Mile 12: Apparently not everyone can be a winner today, but for everyone else, the experience of taking part is reward enough. #losers Also, the rules of the contest have been adapted since last year’s fiasco involving cell division and parthenogenesis that resulted in a giant amoeba who wasn’t even born at the start ending up winning 14,548,655 times. #amoeba #reebok #cphmarathon #somanymedals
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10:35am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Mile 12. The leaders are coming through now, including last year’s championship winner; a flight of stairs wearing a witches hat. I have to say I’m feeling a little strange. My easel has run away too. #LSD #drugsinsport
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10:55am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: At Feed Station 18 – Chaos and Bachanallian delights here as contestants for the elusive crown swarm like summer ants over the warmed sherry cobblers, locust trifles, angelica liver slices and hair gravy cuplets. Some runners will just cool off with a damp branch of elderflower or by being shook at by one of the dogs of the wet sheepdog water shakey display team. Others will smear the ice cold butterfly paste into their failing eyes as they prepare the hit the famous wall at mile 20. A small portion of mescaline folded up in a cigarette paper is available from all good newsagents on the course.
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11:03am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Science in Sport. It is commonplace these days for contestants for marathon glory to closely measure their body rhythms as part of their training process. Runners routinely wear devices to measure their heartbeats, fart volume, eyeblinks, lies, excuses, coffee breath, sports equipment concealments, liver engorgement, penis tumescence, galvinic skin response and hopelessness. #sexlifeofasportsaddict #cphmarathon #viagrafalls #nike
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11:04am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Money In Sport: It’s an accepted fact that many of today’s race winners will not actually have run the race, but instead will have purchased ‘indulgences’ from the self-styled ‘Pope’ of marathon Mr Populous Marathos. For €100 you can take part and run under 3 hours, and the sky is the limit with last years victory going to HSBC Bank for a humungous bung of ¥6,745,052,747,743 Japanese Yen. To the victor the spoils! #cphmarathon #Nike #drugsinsport #LSD
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11:09am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: Not everyone can be a winner, and some contestants who have let anger get the better of them, hit ‘The Wall’ or sanded off their own limbs with highly abrasive hair sports shirts will have to walk or even be pulled on a rope to the finish line which every year is positioned by the casualty department of Copenhagen’s famous Marathon (and other mass participation sports events) Hospital. I had a go on one of their DIY defibrillators and repeatedly died, saw the light, and self-revived. It was a real gas! #sawthelight #hellogod #cphmarathon #LSD #defibrillator
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11:09am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon. The end is in sight for the fast players, here at mile 21. Some are dancing an energizing jig on a huge mound of tiny paper fez hats, others shout obscenities at babies or cough up Lego bricks into the eyes of a blue parrot on a watchtower. Snipers eliminate contestants wearing shoes from non-sponsor companies as the organizers lawyers offer spot cash to grieving families. #thelawoftheurbanlawyer #cphmarathon #drugsinsport
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11:29am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon: In the organizers helicopter floating in a haze of aviation gasoline and orgone energy 500 metres above the last push to the finish. The pilot and I have just finished a bottle of liquid psylocibin and are both smoking cigars as we look down on the fast finishers. From this height everyone appears totally naked and covered in a shimmering rainbow. We are floating higher and higher now, away from the earth. #helicopterondrugs #LSD #cphmarathon
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11:41am
LIVE ILLUSTRATING the Copenhagen Marathon. Parachuting down to the finishing line, just in time to see one of the combatants break the crystal ribbon separating the racecourse from the ritual sacrifice and funeral pyre arena reserved for the winner. Within minutes they will be euthanized, roasted, portioned and served on chiffon handkerchiefs to the burgermeisters of this brave hamlet we call Copenhagen. Thank you all, and thanks to the contestants, the general pestilent, the cats, dogs, birds and clouds of Copenhagen, and the wider area. We have our winner! Let us rejoice! Rejoice all! #thewinner #cphmarathon #LSD #drugsinsport
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